Lesson Learned as a Domestic Violence Prosecutor

As a prosecutor with the Cumberland County District Attorney’s Office, I primarily handled domestic violence matters. During this time, I had the opportunity to work with many brave survivors of domestic violence. 

This is the main lesson I learned:

Simply put, I learned how to listen. I learned how to really listen, without thinking about what to say next or how to respond or jumping in to offer my opinion. 

As an attorney, I’ve been trained to listen in order to rebut, always thinking of the counter-argument to what I was hearing as I was listening. As an advocate for domestic violence survivors, I learned that true listening is fundamental to any successful relationship.    

Often, by the time a domestic violence survivor was meeting with me, I found that he or she had experienced years of abuse. Whether because of financial dependence, children in common, or promises of change, most victims made the decision to remain with their abusers despite the abuse. While I may have been tasked with prosecuting a specific event that occurred on a specific date, there was often a history of abuse buried in the memories of the individual. 

Was this history of abuse relevant or admissible at trial for the specific crime that I was prosecuting? Generally no, but I listened anyway. In these moments, I learned to really listen. I found that through listening I was able to grow an outsider’s understanding, and if I was lucky, empower the survivor of domestic violence. I found that through listening I was able to create the foundation of our relationship, because listening promoted trust. 

When a response is necessary, it should be made in an attempt to gain a clearer understanding of the speaker’s perspective, not rebut. Specifically, good listeners ask good questions. Good questions are meant to explore the other person’s point of view, not sway it. Good questions are not meant to fix, convince, or correct, but merely are intended to gain a better understanding of the speaker’s point of view.          

In today’s world, people are encouraged to “listen to their heart” or “listen to their gut”, but it’s rare that we are encouraged to listen carefully and intentionally to others. Whether in-person or through social media, people are concerned with defining themselves and shaping their own narratives. As your representative in the North Carolina House of Representatives, if you have concerns, I will really listen and I will respond in a way that makes each speaker know they are heard.

Together, we can make District 44 an environment that promotes conversation for the purpose of listening to understand and not listening to rebut.